Athena Rayne Anderson

I moved to New Jersey in spring of 2020, and have encountered many strange things in America’s most densely-populated state.

No Left Turns

I learned how to drive about two decades ago in North Carolina, where you turn left when you want to go somewhere on your left, and right when you want to go somewhere on your right. It was all very simple.

The first time I saw a “No Left Turn” sign in NJ, I scowled ferociously and yelled, “How the #$%* am I supposed to get over there!?” In New Jersey, left turns and U-turns are made from the RIGHT. You are also prohibited from turning in either direction at most intersections. You can imagine my confusion.

It seems that the rule applies mostly to roads with more than 2 lanes. In other words, it applies to almost every road in the state. I think, after living here for 6 months, I’ve figured out the logic behind this bizarre traffic rule: it’s about safety. There are special U-turn and left turn loops that zip off to the right to keep folks from trying to cross traffic. You would have to have a death wish to do that here. If you want to turn left, you must first go right to get to a light, which then stops everyone else to allow you to go on your way.

No Pumping

I’ve been pumping my own gas for 23 years, and I’ve done so in all but 7 of the continental United States. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of the process. It’s not rocket science, even though the credit card payment method can sometimes be complicated. Other than that, a monkey could do it… so why can’t I do it myself in New Jersey?!

It took about a month for me to need gas after I moved here, because I’d been working from home and hadn’t been using the car. I had seen little cubbies in between pumps at gas stations and thought, “Damn, I bet they have people who will want to pump my gas and then expect a tip. How incredibly annoying.”

The first time I did need gas in New Jersey, a guy in a turban popped out of one of these cubbies and walked up to my car. I had planned to go into the station to take a leak before pumping, and was irritated that a complete stranger was approaching my vehicle (I’m rather protective of my things). I glared at him. He said something in broken English that might have been, “How much you want?” and I replied that I would do it myself. He just stood there for a moment, looking perplexed, then repeated his question. I pointed at my chest and said, “I. Will. Do. It. Myself.” He went back into his cubby and I huffed inside.

After my visit to the toilet, I asked the cashier about the guy who approached my car. “Hey, I just moved to this state, and there’s a guy out there who jumped out to my car when I pulled up to the pump. What’s up with that? Am I supposed to let him pump my gas, then pay him? Or tip him? Or what?”

The cashier didn’t speak much English either, so a fellow customer enlightened me, “You’re not allowed to pump your own gas in this state. It’s one of only two states left in the country with that law.”

I stared at him, frowning and thinking he was pulling my leg. After about 5 seconds of this and no laughing on his part, I finally said, “Are you serious?” He was. I walked outside in a confused state, wondering whether I’d woken up in an episode of the Twilight Zone. There was a police car in the parking lot, so I decided to consult an authority.

I walked up to it and said, “Excuse me, I just moved to this state and someone told me that I’m not allowed to pump my own gas. Is that true?”

“Oh, yeah! It’s a law and you can go to jail for it!”

I think my jaw fell open. “What the hell kind of sense does that make?”

“I don’t know, but it’s been like that forever.”

“Wow…” I was flummoxed, and stared at the ground for a moment. Remembering my manners, I looked back at him, “Ok, thanks.” Then I wandered back to my car. The original person who had offered to assist me with my legal duties of NOT pumping my own gas was busy, so I approached another attendant. “Hi, I just moved to this state and found out that I’m not allowed to pump my own gas. Would you mind apologizing to that guy there (I pointed) for me? I didn’t understand what was happening when I first got here and he tried to pump for me.”

This second attendant didn’t seem to care about my being new or apologizing. But he pumped my gas and didn’t seem to expect a tip.

The Drivers

I’m trying to think of a nice way to describe how people drive here, but it’s just not working. I’m no good at indirect communication, so I’ll just get to the point… of all the places I’ve lived as an adult (21 cities in 10 states), these are the most entitled, inconsiderate, careless, speeding lunatics I’ve ever seen.

The position of other vehicles on the road seems to be of little concern for these motorists- they’ll dash around and in front of each other with scant inches of clearance. They don’t seem to consider whether their actions will cause inconvenience to others, based on the fact that I’m routinely cut off and have to slam on my brakes for someone pulling into the road. You’re not supposed to honk at people when they do idiotic and dangerous things like that. Based on what I’ve seen, you’re only supposed to honk at someone who is not allowing you to do something illegal, however culturally acceptable in this state.

The speed limit seems to be no matter as well- not only does it seem too fast to me for the number of cars on the road, but I think I must be the only one concerned about it. For example, people are routinely travelling 60mph in a zone posted for 40mph. I refuse to speed here, partly because I still have MO plates and out-of-state drivers are irresistible to cops in most places, and partly because it just seems too damned dangerous. I’m constantly being honked at and whizzed around while I toodle along, driving the speed limit and minding my own business. One day, an 18-wheeler was following me so closely that I could identify the insects plastered to its grill.

Drivers here pass you on the right when you’re turning left. I’m not talking about when you’re in a left turn lane; I mean while you’re on a 2-lane road, with your left turn signal on. You’re sitting there, waiting for a gap in oncoming traffic, and cars are squeezing between you and the curb on your right! Is that legal here, or do the cops just ignore it? If you don’t pull over as far as possible to the left while you’re waiting to make your turn, you get honked at from behind, as though you’re doing something naughty! The first time I saw someone squeezing past me I nearly had a heart attack- what if I’d changed my mind and decided to go straight, instead of left, and didn’t see them there?!

Then there’s the practice of driving forward before the stop light turns green. I was really confused the first time I saw a sign that said, “Delayed Green, Wait for Signal.” Everywhere I’d ever driven, a red light meant you were supposed to stop and a green light meant that you could go. Why was it necessary to have a sign telling you that the green light was delayed?

I had to ask a local what this meant, “Is that sign telling people to do the normal thing and just wait for the light to turn green?” I asked.

“Well, yes. People get impatient when they see traffic going in the other direction and they think their light being red at the same time must mean that it’s broken. So, the sign tells them that it’s not.”

“Ok,” I said. And I thought I was impatient.

While I’m on the subject of traffic lights, there are an inordinate number of them at most intersections in New Jersey. I once counted SIX separate stop lights just for one lane on a 2-lane highway. There was one in the normal position, hanging above the center of my lane in the middle of the intersection. Then there was another hanging above my lane, roughly where the third car in line would be. There was one on a post on the right side of the road AND the left side, and another one hanging over the other lane! Why did someone think it was necessary? The only thing I can think of to explain this is that several entitled jerks complained that they couldn’t see the light from their position in line. Someone decided it was a better idea to add more lights to solve the problem, rather than simply explaining that one would know when they could move forward by the movement of the vehicle in front of them.

The Cops

There don’t seem to be enough cops here to manage the sheer number of motorists’ illegal activities. Unless, of course, there’s some construction going on. When this happens, there will be two patrol cars with their lights flashing at each end of the construction zone, one in a nearby parking lot, and at least one blocking a traffic lane. The cops are not directing traffic, mind you, they’re just there to let you know about the construction… even if there are no construction workers in sight. Even if all the construction workers in sight are standing in a circle playing with their cell phones. I once looked inside the police cars and noticed that they were all empty… the cops must have skipped off to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts’ (but more on that later). My hypothesis, based on observation, is that the cops are too busy at the construction sites to deal with traffic violations.

The Radio

I think I’ve mentioned that New Jersey is the most densely-populated state in the country. It’s also the home of The Boss and Bon Jovi, so… where the hell is the classic rock?! You might be wondering what the population size has to do with the origins of two of classic rock’s greatest bands and a lack of satisfactory classic rock stations. My logic is based first on the idea that one might expect the total number of radio stations to increase proportionally with the size of the population. Second, a state that would produce two of classic rock’s greatest bands might be expected to have a higher overall appreciation for the genre, and to consequently offer a larger proportion of stations that cater to its fans.

Nope! I’ve not found a single radio station that consistently plays music that would normally be considered classic rock. When I say “classic rock,” I mean Springsteen and Bon Jovi (obviously), but also Pink Floyd, Skynyrd, Zeppelin, Mellencamp, Tom Petty, Bob Segar, Eric Clapton, Peter Frampton, Heart, etc.

I live in roughly the middle of the state, which is mostly flat, so I have a good chance of catching a large number of radio stations. I get a Hindi station really well all the time, but I can’t count on classic rock on any given day. There’s a station that touts itself as being dedicated to classic rock that frequently plays pop from the 60’s!

Dunkin’ Donuts

I can’t find cops or classic rock here, but there are donuts all over the place. If the South has a church on every corner, New Jersey has a DD on every corner. This is not hyperbole! In some cases, you can stand in the parking lot of one, gobbling an eclair, and actually see another one up the road. I haven’t figured out yet why this is necessary. Maybe each one has a slightly different menu? I used to be a huge fan of DD, but not so much now that I have a problem with gluten. Soon after I moved here, I went into a Dunkin’ to ask about gluten-free items:

Me: “Hi, do you have anything that’s gluten-free?”

Clerk (a girl who looked like she was 15): “You mean… like… sugar-free?”

Me: “Wow. Never mind.”

“U and Left Turns” image source: Famartin on Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 4.0, no changes
“Gas pump” image source: CC0 Public Domain
“Angry driver” image source: Brooks was here, CC BY-NC 2.0
“Police car” image source: JIm.henderson, CC BY 3.0, cropped
“Car radio” image source: Ninaofficialphotography, Pixabay License, no changes
“Dunkin’ Donuts” image source: Mike Mozart, CC BY 2.0, no changes